PLEASE BE WARNED STORY IS INTENSE AND A BIT GRAPHIC AS IT TOUCHES ON SUICIDE!!!
I sat at my desk at work with no plan ahead. The idea just popped in my head at an instant. I couldn’t take anymore of my life. The past few weeks I fell into a deep state of depression. I lost all hope of a resolution to my angst. I didn’t want to hurt the one I spent the last 10 years with that I no longer loved, and I also felt like I was in a trap with no way out. I was drowning in my own world and in my own thoughts. He didn’t want me to go even though I wanted out. On the other side he was my soul mate…my one true love. We clicked instantly from the moment our eyes locked and I loved him deeply, but I was hurting him too by not being able to rid myself of my shackles and my drowning to give myself to him. I finally had enough.
At the time I was working at a place the medication was easily accessible. It was getting close to the end of my shift and the idea came to me in an instant. It was a way out. There were pills in abundance everywhere. I also had anxiety pills and aspirin in my car. I decided to get those out of my car and bring them up to the office. Once back in the office, I texted my mom and my sister to bid them farewell without saying goodbye forever. I also texted and talked to the one I didn’t want and the one I couldn’t freely be with in my mind. The plan was set in motion at that point. It would be awhile before anyone found me and that would give the pills a chance to work its magic. I finally would be free, so I thought. I would be free of pain and hurt. Emotionally I would not feel like my head was going to explode anymore. I started with my anxiety pills and swallowed the entire package. It was making me gag and get an upset stomach. I didn’t care. I lost all hope and had so much inner pain, but this pain was pale in comparison. It was tough having a big heart and not wanting to hurt anyone. Then I proceeded to take a full bottle of extra strength Tylenol. My stomach was already doing twists and turns, and I was holding back the vomit. I was wondering in the back of my head, was it working? Would I finally be free of pain and heartache? Would the two people in my life finally get to move on and live happily ever after?
After a few minutes, I realized I was still only feeling really sick, and I didn’t feel it was enough. I reached the edge and fell over. I broke into my boss’s office where they keep meds locked up. They had a huge box filled with expired meds, discontinued meds, and meds for clients no longer with them. I began taking handfuls of the various cocktail of unknown pills. Some I recognized and even Googled what it would do in large doses. I made sure I took the ones that said fatal in large doses. I don’t know how many handfuls I took of this color blend of pills when I finally passed out not knowing if I made it or not. I woke up in a dark secluded hospital room alone and groggy. It took me a few minutes to gain my composure and realize that I wasn’t in heaven or hell but in my worst world…my life alive on earth. I would stay in the hospital ultimately for three days. I met with various social workers and was put on medication. They wanted to section me but I begged them to go home with my family. I signed out with my family, I continued on my meds, met with an amazing therapist, joined an outpatient group, and joined a men’s group at a local church. I also had an amazing support system, my family and friends. With the backing of an amazing support system, I survived. I not only survived to live after my attempted suicide, but I survived to live my life. It took time and a lot of work, but I realized my life was worth living. I realized I had a big heart and a tremendous amount of love to give and make a difference in this world. Through time, I became a stronger person.
I am grateful for God for giving me a second chance and thankful I had amazing family and loved ones that were not ready to give up on me. I learned a lot about myself and life through treatment. I still struggle with a lot of my inner demons such as anxiety, fear, and insecurity, which a lot of people don’t understand. But through all this I came out on top and alive. The thing I realized the most is that life is worth living and no matter how bad things get emotionally no matter what you are dealing with whether it’s relationships, finances, sexuality, or bullying, it’s important to reach out to someone. Don’t lose yourself to the darkness of depression and your emotions. Don’t keep your inner demons to yourself. Let someone in and you won’t realize how important that person will be. It’s important to surround yourself with positive people and a positive environment to help strengthen your mind and your heart will follow. It will help you find the inner goodness of your soul. It’s important to remind ourselves when things get the absolute worst, that things will always get better. There’s a whole life ahead of you to live. I’m glad I have that second chance at life, great people in my life, at love, and to make memories.
Written by Mark Leitao
pic and story both posted with permission from Mark as a guest writer for Bullies Keep Out