Dear Abuser, Or I Could Say Mom

Written by Anonymous

For years I wondered what would I say to the woman who gave birth to me if I ever had the chance to release my feelings and emotions completely. What would I say to the biggest bully in my world. Would I yell and scream? Probably not, because that is what she did for years. I prefer normal and calm conversation, but by association, I did fall into that for a while years back. I tried my hardest growing up to be nothing like that woman. I did not feel like her daughter, so why would I want to follow in her footsteps? Nobody wants to be that miserable. It seems as if she was just full of anger and hate most of the time. I always prayed to GOD to make me nothing like her, but I realized that wasn’t up to him. That was my choice. Who I would become would be up to me. It was me who would choosing my own path.

People say you can’t control what you inherit, but nobody inherits being mean, hateful, or bullying. These are learned and taught behavior. Anger is often used to abuse people. That is a choice you make out of that anger, not innate. There is a big difference. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I would never treat my kids, if I was to have any, as I was treated. I would not treat anybody in such a way. I refused to be that person. I wanted to be the opposite, full of love and kindness. I wanted to be happy, and the woman who claimed to be my mother was certainly none of these things.

This might sound harsh, but I never felt as if she was meant to be my mother. I never felt wanted, loved, or appreciated. Most of all, I never felt understood. They say honor thy mother and father, and I did. I forgave them both, and I never disrespected them the way I felt disrespected. It does not matter if you are the child, respect goes both ways. I still let you walk all over me and bring me down to size regularly. I never once, except behind closed doors, said what others would have said. Some might have even run away. That crossed my mind too. In fact, I got close at one point. I just did not care anymore. I wanted to be far away from you, but where was I going to go. Neither choice of parents was where I wanted to be,  because neither one of you was fit. Not sure why you had children. No clue how to parents in the slightest. Did not even seem to try.

There was no affection or closeness on either side at any point. When there was, it was out of guilty or wanting something, or just it fancied you all at the time. Sadly. That being said, it does not mean I have to like you. Unfortunately, many families do not like each other, but that is not what I wanted. I wanted a big, loving family. The ones I see all around me. I know it exists, and it is a beautiful thing. No family is perfect, but they are still happy. Though it breaks my heart, and tears flow down my face when nobody is looking, it still makes me happy to see it for others. I am not selfish like you.

I want others to have what I didn’t. I would never wish that empty feeling on anybody. The loneliness feeling. The feeling of not wanting to exist. In fact, I wish I didn’t for a while. I just gave up on life for a long time. I was lost and numb. I really didn’t care what happened to me, but I did. If that makes sense.

If I could tell her how I felt, it would not be pretty, but it would be the truth. It would be from the heart. I have tried in the past, but it just got shot down by me being a liar, crazy, and something was wrong with me. For some reason, I remembered a quite different story than she did. She had this notion of a beautiful mother and daughter relationship. That was never really the case. We had moments of being ok. That was about it, and it was only because I was loyal.

For a long time I don’t think I forgave her, it was really just words. We can say I forgive you, but unless you truly mean it from the heart, it is nothing but going through the motions. I knew I had to mean it for me to be whole and at peace again, but would I ever be at peace with my past? A question I asked myself for years. It still haunts me.

Now I am older, wiser, forgiving, loving, compassionate, and understanding, but I always had these qualities. I got my prayers answered. I am nothing like her. Again, sounds like I would be the bad guy, which she has always made me out to be, but I was a good daughter. I never did anything to deserve how I was treated. I blamed myself for too long. I felt always felt disloyal and guilty. I stood up for her when I shouldn’t have. People that got a glimpse into how I was treated used to ask me why? Why did I show her any love or respect? Answer is simple, I am a good person. I always have been. I am not saying as kids and teens we never act out or make mistakes, but that is that reason enough to abuse your child in so many ways? Truth is, I did not do anything that anybody else did not do. Typical kid and teen stuff.

 

“So what I would say to her? I would say it all.”

Dear Abuser,

Yes, that is how I choose to address you. It is hard for me to address someone as a mother when you treated me the way you did for so many years. That is not a mother. A mother has nothing to do with blood. A mother is someone who loves a child unconditionally, accepts their child, believes in their child, and supports their child. Should I go on to explain to you what a mother should be? It really doesn’t matter, because I never felt you were any of those things.

You hurt me for years. You abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically. You made fun of me. You laughed at me. You belittled me. You were jealous of me. You never wanted me to have anything that you did not have when it came to the spotlight. If you were not in it, I was not able to be in it. Such a shame to feel you must compete with your child. You dashed my dreams and hopes as a child that I held close to my heart. You brainwashed me against people. You tried to make me just like you.

Every single time I remember a beating from you, I remember why I do not believe in hitting children or violence. I still cringe if I see it portrayed on television or film, or when I see it in the street. I can’t even contain myself. It breaks my heart and crushes all over again.

Remember when you threw me across the floor into the stove, banged my head into a cabinet, punched me in the chin, smacked me across the face and head countless times, hit me with a ketchup bottle, a brush, a broom, pulled my hair, screamed and yelled, let my baby brother, who had no clue join in with you as a toddler while I hovered in a corner, or threw something at me, all of it. The times you told me I was a tramp, a bitch, worthless, you wish you never had me, or you wish I was like everybody else? I bet you do not remember any of that do you? You have a completely different turn of events. I know you. All of this stayed with me. I have to say, I think the words hurts the most. They always will. You think it damages a child, it damages the adult mind too.

I used to blame my problems on you. Everything that was wrong with me, it was your fault. I was your victim far too long. As a child I might have not had a choice, but now I do. Now I have the power and control over my life. I can no longer blame you. I can be anybody I want to be. I will never again let you tell me I can’t or I am not capable. You, or anybody else, will never insult me or talk to down to me. I have become far too defensive when others are not meaning to hurt me as you did, but I project. I also pushed people away and did not trust them. I still sometimes do this. You can imagine this was mostly women. I held onto anger for years. I was so afraid I was becoming you for a while. What I know now, I feared you even from afar. I protected myself so much, that I was losing sight of my authentic self. Who I wanted to be. Who I wanted to become.

My relationship with women have always been hard. Then again, I was always attracted to older women as friends. I never knew why. Maybe I was looking for something I would never have with you. I found them comforting, mature, and had good conversation. We meshed better. Maybe this was what I longed for, so I found it in others, but there was one in particular who took me under her wing. She was more of a mother to me than you ever were.

What child, or even adult, doesn’t need a mother or a father? At least if I had one good one that treated me the way I now know I should have been treated and loved, but I didn’t. Every child deserves to be unconditionally loved. I did not treat myself unconditionally because of you, and the “sperm donor” as you called him, was no better. I allowed you to consume my mind and thoughts, and that will never happen again. I still feel broken at times. Maybe I am. Maybe I always will be, but we all have flaws, cracks, and chips. I can still mend, and I can still heal.

I used to pray I was adopted, did not exist, or I wanted to die. I would hurt myself because of you. Then I thought, why should I not exist because of the person you are? If you never had me or I ended my life, that would take away from me when I did nothing wrong. I will never let you make me feel like that again. I guess maybe I am healing. You are the bully, not me. Why didn’t you love me? A mother would not do that to her child if she loved them. I never knew the feeling of family, affection, or being truly loved. Unconditional loved. It took years for me to feel that, and it still is not full circle. I am not sure it will ever be, but I have grown. I am able to show affection without being afraid or feeling weird when someone tries to show it to me. I love to hug, but I still hesitate. The feeling is amazing. I could do it all day long. I guess when you go without it for so many years, that is what happens. I love more than I can ever express. I learned how, no thanks to you. I guess I can thank you for some things. I could have went a completely different direction in life.

What I can promise you, is even though you did what you did to me, I will still pray for you. I will pray only for the best. I still forgive you. I will pray you find love. I will pray you find the truth one day. I will pray that you find people who can be around you since you lost so many. I will pray only good things for you. I will pray one day you realize what you did to your child. Why do I have not have anger, hate in me, or want to yell at you or tell you off, or bring you down to the size of nothing as you did me? Because I am not you.

 

“Thank you for helping me see the person I did not want to become, and the person I did.”

 

Sincerely,

A lost daughter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

%d bloggers like this: